Drift

Somewhere in the race around,
We jumped up high
But couldn't touch the ground.
We floated of far into space,
we floated away into this maze.

There isn't any anchor to hold us down,
we celebrated as we went away.
Joyous as we flew away.
Half past 10 as things settled in
and as there ceased to be
The effect of a routine,
we felt the change and a repeated burst,
of happiness and mirth, for we had set sail
for far away.
Joyous as we flew away.

Then as the last things to see,
ceased to be recollections,
but only remained memories,
There was a twinge and break
something snapped fast and quick.
You couldn't see what was left behind
nor where you were headed blind.
Then it struck once more as you went ahead,
you were far gone beyond your bed.
Away away you spin and swim,
one way channel, no fantasy or whim.
Away away you swam and spun,
away from kith, away from kin.

So we float on with this current,
shaped and moulded by forces far from elastic.
We spread on a thousand treads,
linked to the past with breaking threads.
We float on up and away,
we float on, to look back some other day.

One At A Time

"How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time"
-Quoted by some guy clearly not aware about the concept of binge eating


The above line is something I picked up while reading Mark Owen's  "No Easy Day". The story about the SEAL team that went on the mission to Abbottabad (and makes me think twice before ordering pizza at night).
The line however which the protagonist says pushed him was something that stuck with me. No not because it is an elephant. Well kinda. It is because those small words carry some big meaning. Of course those words at first go did not make much impact. Like most things we read, or hear or experience, their relevance got highlighted only when I found myself in a position to appreciate their depth. For a better part of my life, my athletic achievements have been limited to retrieving the TV remote from one room within an hour or reaching across the bed for it, and while my physical prowess is spoken with awe among sloths, among the social animals such as ourselves it is more at a value mathematicians would like to denote to be just a scrap above zero.

Will shortly be arriving.

However, in my final year there was just a push that sort of motivated me to probably cross the threshold of exertion to the limit that you can at least beat a spider trying to make a web around you. So I set out to battle my first foe, running. It has been chronicled by great many a minstrels that there was a mother who wanted her son to run, but the son preferred to watch Pokemon and that's why his tryouts for the Olympics were undone. 

Ain't no one taking me away from Kanto.

                 

Basically my years of being a politician about running around came back to bite me (yeah they ran their bit) and I finally had to push myself to at least not collapse into a human puddle. Or like collapse either. I'll spare you the details of that, but it was during one run on a particularly trying day that those words about consuming an Elephant struck me. Every step I was taking, every millimeter I moved ahead, every panting breath, gasping for oxygen (or like the light at the end of the tunnel) was one step more than what I had previously done. Every movement ahead while barely a dent was in fact a movement ahead,  and that pushed me. Every run henceforth, every length of the pool, every  skip, every extra sweet dish at Barbecue Nation, encouraged me. Just one more, just one ahead. just take the large challenge  and break it down into small pieces, till the waiters at an all you can eat buffet look at you like the physical incarnation of world hunger.         

What happened ultimately was that the run wasn't about how far I ran the race, it was about HOW I ran the race. Whether I ran it like a chore, or if I ran it as a battle. If I ran it as a compulsion or I ran it as a challenge. If I ran it, convinced that I'd have a better chance of completing the circuit if I flew or if I decided to cut the self expensed  humour and actually do something I had aimed for and that made all the difference. 

That year, those month of running imparted me the wisdom which I think actually pushed me into adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I am still in denial about maturity, but I actually feel that achieving anything isn't about conquering the thing you target. It is about conquering that part in yourself that thinks it can't. It is about shutting down your opposition. It is about taking that huge trek and breaking it down smaller and smaller till every step and breath is charging you towards your goal. 

I took that lesson with me, for this last year that I spent betwixt and between. Correction, that I continue to spend betwixt and between a lot. Aims, aspirations, cuisines etc etc. Every mammoth task that befell me at work, or every change that had to be induced was done one twirl and spin at a time.All I had to do was ensure that I did my small bit towards myself and just maintained that flow. 

While that book might've not been the pinnacle of literary achievements, or my running around been the peak of human fitness, that phase, that mindset gave me a bigger and better gift just short of the best one (life) I ever got. It taught me the best way to deal with it. To deal with life.Simply, one bite at a time. 

Parrying the Perturbing

Yes, I love alliterating. Sue me. Anyway. This post should've been in continuation of the promised trilogy, but as everyone does not crucify Marvel for muddling their trilogies, I'll hope for the same. Yes, marvel at my presumption.
To those who might benefit most from reading this, for their sake (and mine because quite frankly having small talk on paper just seems like talking to myself and I'd rather do that without written proof of it) I'll cut to the chase (this phrase always bothered me, isn't the chase but a delay to the climax?).

"Anxiety?"
"No thank you good Sir. I think I'll skip that"
"I don't think you will......*muahahahah*"
- Your brain and thought when you think about taking chances.

To describe what it feels like to me. It feels like being in a situation where I have the power to decide, but am unable to because of myself. That is how anxiety strikes me. To some it strikes like an anchor completely weighing them down. To some it hits like the strike by a debilitating weapon. To some it is merely like a pin prick. (Yeah right.)


                                          

    Perturbation Theory in Maths. That's right, no one is safe.
                                        

The thing is, anxiety completely spread over you like the way water finds it way. It just flows and knows exactly the right places to go straight through your lows and start collecting in a puddle, increasing and becoming a reservoir for spreading even more. It is all covering. It is the night. It spread so completely around and destroys all physical representations. It blocks your mind. What's worse is it separates you from your one ally to best tackle it. Reality.

I know. Those of you in the 1920's reading this because of your time travelling descendant must be saying "Oh MY! What a sensational statement this screen seems to have. My word nothing jolly good about this. No sire no."

But wait, there's more. The reason for this gasp inducing statement is that quite frankly it is the truth! Your mind is a wonderful, imaginative, magical place that can imagine castles, dragons, wizards, heroes and seas. It can also however imagine villains, storms, darkness, and monsters. That's how beautifully honest a tool it is. Somewhere down the line however it needs to be controlled. Reality, the things happening around you, daily life, it doesn't have monsters or dragons. It  isn't a fairy tale. So why use a drastic scale of imagining the worse possibilities as the only possible outcomes?Maybe you're getting it a little bit.

Step 1. If you are in a situation of utter despair. Where you feel stuck and struck dumb. When your faculties seem to be as responsive as your faculty when they try to test you. There is one foremost action you must do. Imagine anything that gives you hope. Don't just picture it, picture it in all its glory. Highlighted, in all importance, the thing that stands out and demands to be seen purely by existence. Do this, because the only opponent to an unnaturally enlarged foe, is an even stronger weapon.
This might not win the battle, but it will give you the courage to tame this beast raging around in your mind.

Step 2. The tougher one. Open your eyes. Not just physically, but use that light that your courage gives you, to pierce that mist of fear, and anxiety. Open your eyes, to see what the real picture is . What the real story is. What is actually happening in front of you. Realistically try to see whether those shackles holding you are really there, or they are really nothing but  illusory wisps.

Those daily battles, which drain you, those struggles and contests which seem to have no rules and never give you a fighting chance are not real. All those battles, are not supposed to weaken you. They are meant to test and push you. They are meant to make a better you. They aren't meant to be roadblocks. They are checkpoints, to show you that every march forward in the world will bring you a new challenge, only increasing your capacity for bearing them, beating them and bringing yourself something better ahead. That is what you need to treat anxiety as. Not as the demon to slay, but the dummy to train with. It is an artificial intelligence based creature ready to try you at every turn, but secretly, it roots for you. It wants you to grow and go ahead.

 Tackle it hence not like an over-sized boggart/shape-shifter, but see it for what it really is. A test for a newer you. A test for a further progressing you. See it as the worst of the world, to make the best of you.

Hope and Wait

"Victory comes to those who believe in it, the strongest and the longest"
-Probably someone who had his confidence on steroids
(Just kidding, I paraphrase Lt. Col Doolittle)


Of the many flaws I have being a pessimistic optimist is probably the lesser of them. However, I am pretty sure it's not just an individual streak. Quite frankly, being a pessimistic optimist, ("poptimist" if you will) is what helps you be normal as compared to a either a sugar high toddler or what you get after the toddler crashes from the sugar high. It is also something which tends to colour opinions  grey. Just one shade of it.However a person runs a risk in this kind of a situation. A risk much bigger than the captain of a bowling team deciding to give a spinner the last over to bowl. That is, they might lose the will to win.

 The fact is, in no situation can you win without first agreeing that you really want it, second believing you can get it, and third actually doing something to get it. There is attrition in almost every step which only keeps increasing as you go to every successive step. Yes, this is maths working as Hydra.  So if someone already believes that a cause is the opportunity equivalent of a mosquito (worthless), you can be pretty sure that it won't be tough to swat them out of the sky. Or off your face for that matter.  So this battle is something, which you don't even come close to winning, because instead of even preparing or trying out of the waters, you've just looked out of your window and said "The sun's too bright for surfing." or "The pizza is too cheesy for my liking". Those kind of words should not be used because whatever might be the hindrance, what it really is hiding, is a chance for you to discover a part of yourself that will face a challenge in an entirely new fashion that can surprise you!

In professions like the military, research,entrepreneurship  hitting a roadblock is almost as regular as not liking the cafeteria food, but those professionals who really believe in their calling and who really want to sustain and grow keep striving on. In the National Defence Academy in Pune, there is a line scratched into a desk (at least that's what I've heard. Quote attributed to Winston Churchill). It says: "Going through hell, keep going". Probably the best thing to refresh a person to continue on in any battle they rage is to wage it on and not take one step back (no I am not trying to go all Stalin here).


(Credits:Pintrest)

SO even if you are a "poptimist" it is not an excuse to excuse your self of aspiring to win.
Everything in life is going to put obstacles and obstructions in front to of you, no matter how  prepared, confident, etc you are. Everyone will face the same opposition that you do when doing what you are and some might have it even worse. So if you feel crippled and unable to move ahead you need to realise that the best way to get through a storm (if you must) is probably through it, for no ship that stayed in its harbour ever realised what it was meant to do.

On a trip to Manali, my father and I thought we'd try our hand at para gliding. Now this was in a very controlled environment, but it doesn't help when you're at the top a peak in a mountainous region and see that what really the activity is a slow plummet. Now I don't have a fear of heights. No one does I think. It's a fear of falling probably, but anyway, I remember standing on that patch of flat land and the instructor told me to just run straight. Now when I started running I felt a tug and thought that my guide wasn't harnessed properly so I kind of slowed down. Turns out that was the wind, but what that stop did was it changed my direction so my 5-6 meter run up now became a 3 meter run up. I remember thinking how this game of chicken could probably cost me a lot, but I jumped. The first ten seconds of that jump were magical. Not because of the plunge, or just because of the silence, but because it was that time when I felt I had run against an opposition (gravity and my fear) to do something and was actively aware of it. Agreed this was in an extremely controlled environment but what it gave me was the confidence, that no matter what maybe the force pulling you down or the thing holding you back. What you have to do is just keep running and know when to take the jump.

It is what helped me in subsequent situations like, my first diving board, my first (can't say last) 12 feet jump to 8 feet (which I missed and kind of tackled the platform) before I went to 2 feet (my own that is. It was a spectacularly unremarkable fall. Good times.), leaving home, job interviews, creative pursuits, etc.

So this is kind of like the second part to the "Win" Trilogy. I've covered the one on inspiring yourself to make the change in "http://thepisceanwindow.blogspot.in/2016/05/the-honourable-leader-of-opposition.html".

Though this step is probably where maximum people lose out because the only thing that can help you get through this is your belief and your belief is something you can lie to the world about but never to yourself. So fair warning all fellow sailors towards the trade winds that the sea will be full of storms. To all the nomads, the oasis will be in the middle of the unforgiving sand land. To all the astronauts, that the celestial heavens lie outside the pull of gravity and to everyone who is trying to move towards a goal, remember that you're two steps away from attaining everything you've ever wanted. It's just you who needs to believe in you.

My Country

There isn't much to my Land
Other than hindi and
women putting on bindis.
Well except maybe that our civilization
is over some 1000 and greater years old.
Its population is diverse
as its geography.
Its culture is richer
than its business class.
Which are still lesser
than its past.
There isn't much to my Land,
other than all stages of history.
Even with all the science,
some parts of it are still a mystery.
It is an enigma, this frigid sub tropic.
Split it in the middle and brothers remain strangers of above and below.
Or even at the sides, mentioned as a strange connect.
People of a group having one thing  common in their select.


This area where the cradle of humanity sadly remains
as a child young but misguided.
Ready to be buried
as aged, idealed but tired.
As someone who is stuck betwixt and between
two polarizing teams.
Which scream of glory to their
and only their cause.
Or the other who cry at all the Lost cause.
There is something strange in my country
that everyone is alienated
but still cries more home
than any other of the dirt and leaf
anywhere around.


There is still some hope
for people dream.
There is struggle
for everyone has something
to make it worth it.
My country is strange,
My country is different.
So you'd probably understand if I tell you,
There isn't much to my Land
that you'd probably understand.
There is just so much this land holds,
love, hope, dreams and happiness
not just sorrow and loss.
It's like most others
this breath of warmth,
this wave of chill.
It's my home, my world.
I can roam everywhere see the wonders
to gape with awe and be amazed,
but it's only here near my horizon and
between the poles,
that finally my heart, will feel both frozen and burned.

The Morning Moon

In the cradle of the morning,
watching the bawling Sun.
The Night's reflector, sets out
to meet another sink
and another different kind of dawn.

The Night was long,
dark and rested.
Illuminated by the sole fighter,
with an arsenal not its own.
Aided by comrades of distant lands,
that would turn up too late,
even if they had a chance.

There were struggles and times of doubt,
for the fighter so brave.
Basking in glory and casting a shadow,
the Champion of a losing battle.
There was but him and a time of darkness.
There was but him and a fear of the unknown.
There wasn't much a choice he had.

His Nadir and Zenith were met with silence.
Not the jubilant shouts of his Wards.
His joys were the continued humming and hum drum lives
that continued below unnoticed and indifferent.
His joy and sorrow were lost among the clouds.

He battled on,
as the doubts faded ahead and behind.
There was no beginning or end to it all
even remotely in his sight.
Yet he marched on,
defender of those who lay
unhindered by the progressions around.
Unaware of the epic war being waged around.

Then in his final act
of loyalty and defiance.
For the sake of new time of a new fighter and
new world.
He faded into the light,
unnoticed by those who finally awoke.
He left with his glance at those he saved,
he left with a strangely monolithic memory he made,
he left with his life unnoticed and unheard.
He left to wage a war, in a different part of the World.

The Honourable Leader Of The Opposition

 "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
-Abraham Lincoln


The former President and exemplary leader used these words to describe the house while addressing the issue of slavery. He goes on to state how this meant not that the house was to collapse, but that it would cease to be divided.

The lines which he used had a huge implication on the future of his country, his world and countless lives now lost to time and those yet to exist.I think somewhere down the lines, he had great wisdom here which probably would be applicable to all of us. It is essentially the struggle in most people till they finally choose themselves. 

We live in times of great options, in times of freedom. What this entails is that more options translates to better choices for people right? Not really, not always. For most of us who are trying to find our way, or how to proceed this gives the increasingly delicious but onerous choice of being a one hit wonder. Why?

Simply, because we have set that expectation for ourselves. We have taken choices to mean not that there is freedom, but that failure should be restricted which could not be further from the truth.We all have the right to succeed and do the thing we love but to expect that you won't have to iterate to get there is delusional. Some people fail to realise that those who do achieve a lot at a young age, simply iterated earlier. We all have the same avenues to go into. It is a matter of choice when you decide to stroll those unfamiliar streets.

Now coming to ourselves. They say matter and antimatter share the role of being each others "annihilators". That if you were to shake hands with your corresponding anti-matter twin,there would be a release of pure energy, and both of you would cease to exist.

(No, Republicans, anti-matter does not need "freedom")

I think those battles are always inside of us. When giving a speech or a debate there are several times when the Speaker realises, the holes in his/her argument, What they fear is someone picking up on it and questioning them relentlessly on it. Now imagine that only for every single thing you have ever done. That is kind of what happens inside you. Moreover that anti being inside you isn't capable of giving the right answers either and is far from being a rational being. Hence the questions posed to you might not be relevant but their function are just to stop you.

Ladies, and gentlemen, that is the most important house divided. That is your biggest battle and like most battles there emerges a winner and loser but at a cost. Often a huge cost. However like stated earlier in this article it doesn't have to mean that you will fall, rather that you will cease to be divided. You will be able to silence that opposition inside you, that the paralysis will cease to hinder you. You'll realise your path may not be perfect but is probably the most sensible one. Not to say it WILL be the right one, but it will appear as the most sensible one for you. It'll be the one which might not seem the easiest but will seem to be the one most aligned with your own values and objectives. It might be the toughest road you travelled (even tougher compared to the one time you had to save that slice of cake for your brother) but will be more rewarding and satisfying than any experience (even compared to the one time you ate that last slice of cake).
It is about having faith in yourself to succeed and not the absence of fear or opposition but to act on despite their presence making best of the information at hand because that is all you can do.
(Side note: it is insane the amount of things you cannot do. Like you cannot fold a paper more than 7 times across among many others)


So instead of being cowered down by opposition you need to do something, because like that Speaker on that stage, you're the one there to make a difference and get something done. You're the voice to encourage yourself to move down that unfamiliar road or sail into uncharted waters. Yes you will face opposition  but change has  a tendency to be opposed. In fact even when you're still you're facing constant opposition in the form of static friction. So why not take the battle to  a situation where you are doing something.

Courtesy :http://deutsch.physics.ucsc.edu/

If I were to further take that example of static friction, you'll notice how greater the force you apply for movement the tougher the opposition you'll face but after a threshold, it gets easier. They rightly say physics holds the answers to a lot of mysteries because what could be a simpler analogy. Not that it makes it any easier but it is a truth we have to embrace. Once you start the motion it will become easier to be in that groove and definitely more productive than just being still and not moving.

So it is probably best, to take that sky-diving class, start that start-up, take that year break for life assessment, because nothing will beat that sense of achievement you'll feel once you emerge on the other side, a winner, a champion. Having bested your fears and emerged the leader to help a divided,warring nation emerge as a superpower in its own right.
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(Don't you just love the way that metaphor ties up?)