Looks Like Morning In Your Eyes

My last post was on 29th December. Funny, how exactly 364 days later I write this one. I think this is the ultimate deadline procrastination. Because all said and done, I can get away with avoiding the burdening weight of knowing "It's been a year since I last posted anything on this blog I'd promised myself to really maintain this year.....ooh, salty snacks." To be fair that is how a lot of my conversations have ended in the past one year.

Anyway, while I thought of making this a reminiscent post, I'll do something for a change. I will try to make it one full of hope and try to make a prediction for how great this next year is going to be. Honestly if half the media outlets can still banter on about how this is the year of the apocalypse, It's pretty okay for me to be optimistic and hopeful. The only negative possibilities, if we're both wrong (meh, nothing worse) ; if they're right and I'm wrong (jeez, how does it even matter? We'll all probably be looking to go to the ships in China).

I think the next year is going to be a lot about awakening. Personally, the last couple of years have seen me grow a little more cynical day by day and not willing to believe that the world has infinite possibilities. But, as it turns out, it is one of these infinite possibilities that sees me combining the two most critical human qualities for moving ahead, curiosity and hope.

As a world, we've been stuck in lots of crap. Isolationism is on the rise, intolerance is getting more rampant, we're getting bogged down by some insane distractions that are taking away the focus from facts and issues that should matter to us all, but somehow despite all the murky waters we seem to be wading into, there is this strong Force if you will, that seems to be shining even if as the smallest beam from the small nook that seems like it can't be missed. Also, how poetically appropriate is that, it is only in the darkest situations that you can appreciate even the smallest flash and ray of light.

I think that is something we need to take forward in the coming year. For all the factions, there are insane way and causes that are uniting us. For all the new problems that are developing, generations, of people are cutting across boundaries to find a solution. There is some accountability in some people who want to take up the problem despite knowing futility and do something about it, because of the sheer determination driving them.

People who earlier chose to stay quiet are trying to be more forthcoming, and while now they're getting lost in the stormy screams of a lot of noises, you can make them out like the faintest whispers of a hymn or a clarion call at the distance, that assures you while you might feel alone, seem alone, be alone, you're not. There is someone somewhere in a similar fight somewhere also in thinking the same thing and if not for anything else, it is for them and yourself that you can pick up this fight and take it ahead because in the words of a capitalistic tagline, "You ARE worth it".

Honestly, I think this is what the next year should be about. There is a lot we have to deal with, a lot of spill over, a lot of issues, but none of them are so big that we can't imagine a way to try fixing it. We're creatures in a cosmic wonder, on a blue marble in the edge of a star system in an ever expanding Universe where the concept of time is something which can just boggle us, and yet we seem to be able to fight Mondays every week. I think another set of 365 days or a walk around the local Solar park for our planet, is nothing but an opportunity for us to look back, both personally and in some way as some sort of collective, and remark at how we did do something we feel contributed to the world and yet be charged to only look forward and find the next challenge to meet and tree to climb.

Happy 2018!

Honest Facebook-ing.

Yes. I must not, but I know I will. What can I say? I am a creature of habit. I let the lights be off, I slowly get off my bed and move towards the laptop. The dimmed light shines on my face and shows the darkness. I logon and open the window. Then I type in the search and before you know it I am halfway down the road I took an oath to avoid. Facebook is probably the biggest blackhole out there.

But hey. It’s just for this once, it isn’t like I’m hooked to it or anything. Right? Right? Like if you agree with me. Oh no sorry.

So I click on the tab that says my name. Because at my age having an identity crisis is probably the most trustworthy thing I know of. Of course subconsciously I probably expect this to tell me everything about myself. About how I can live my life and more importantly how I should. I expect it to show me all those who consider me important in an effort to highlight that my existence is validated by the approval of others. I write a clever status, poking fun at an advertisement of some political matter because this is the age where I can be brushed aside as an immature cynic by the middle aged and as a middle aged individual by the young toddler “13 year olds”. Why either figure on my friend list is probably a matter of discussion for another full moon night.

But wait, this isn’t helping. I get it I am funny and witty but that isn’t satisfying the gnawing feeling I am having inside. Like when you’re at a buffet and you don’t have sweet for dessert. This doesn’t feel right. Oh thank the lord and saviour MZ for giving me the option to explore my home screen. Probably seeing others lives will help me feel better about my own insecurities. Because obviously everyone portrays their lives as they actually are. Not like from one high to another. Right? Right? Share if you ag….oh shoot I did it again.

Oh look, my college friend is doing a cross country road trip across another continent. Ha. This is the same guy who failed to get the seat in the metro which anyone playing varsity (in the metro Olympics) should have won. Ha. Yeah, I bet he really regrets that now. Moving on. 

Oh hey cool, a school friend got a new job. No kidding, I thought this guy was hibernating. Haven’t heard from him for ages. Wait, why has my other school friend got married? Wait, has she got married to my other school friend? Are you serious?

I'll just leave this here, shall I?

                                              

Oh okay, here’s my first favourite hipster page. Hahahaha, would you look at that. They captured my pain of existence and nicely coated it with pseudo humour to make it look like existentialism isn’t a crippling condition and in the words of some coach somewhere can be just laughed off. I wonder if that’s just a polite way to accept that trying to solve your problems means an entirely different verb followed by off from the Universe.

 Oh hey, this friend is finally writing. I am so glad. In fact I remember this one moment when we both had discussed about pursuing writing and had similar reservations about it. I guess if she has picked it up now, I might soon too right? Right? Tag a friend who….oh for crying out loud.

Hey is that my arthritic relative? Wow it really shows in this dance that they are doing. I mean arthritis is probably the kindest explanation I can give for whatever they are doing in that baraat.

Oh hey, my colleague from my previous firm is going on assignment to some Scandinavian country. Yeah I am pretty sure I did not want that. He did. I guess that insulates me from feeling a twinge of regret for not having followed the generic path of success. Thankfully I trust my decisions and rarely question myself. Can you imagine anything to the contrary?

I bet I've probably seen the worst of things now. I mean what could actually  be left?..............
The Overdosing Punctuators. NO!!!!!!!!!!! (SWEET IRONY!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!.....yeah this can go on for a while)

*scrolling on*

Wait, Trump said what? He can’t say that. I mean he can but he really shouldn’t. I mean he has political ambitions right? Doesn’t that mean you have to be careful about what you say? Oh hey, what is this “Go to Pakis..” okay my bad.

Oh hey, its already 2. I should probably head to bed. Oh hey is that the sound of a devil spawn behind me that if I turn around will take away my soul? I mean I don’t really need sleep right?  Let’s explore the depths of my harddrive. Ooh, generic series I have seen probably a hundred times. I bet I can watch a season before I regret my decisions right? Oh well, won’t know for sure till I try.

Image credits: http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html

The Art of Performing Art

I happened to go to a show yesterday.  Not like a televised drama, or a movie but specifically a musical show by, if I am to believe it VH 1, India's "Next Biggest thing (2014)". Seeing the fact that it is  2016 I did have my doubts about their rankings. I mean by now he should be a big thing right?

Anyway, pedantic humour aside (yeah, like that's happening) what I took away from the show was a lesson on what differentiates the world into two broad categories, 

a)Performers.

b)Yeah, no just give me a minute.

These shouldn't be considered as categories of people, more like categories of reactions that people give. The kind of attitude people generally keep. The difference between the two? The 2 percent. 

I believe both these attitudes are like competing political parties, or pizza toppings. They have covered about 98% of your pizza.So, what is going to decide whether you can call this a pepperoni pizza with pineapple or a pineapple pizza with pepperoni? (I mean you know other than basic sense of gastronomy)

You. You and your confidence (or lack of thereof) and will to act are the three instincts that are going to push you into one of those groups. It should not be considered that one is worse than the other, but what should be a matter of consideration is what do you stand to gain from both. I have happened to realize that there is always more knowledge to be gained from doing something rather than postponing it (unless it is something like being Wiley Coyote's stunt double) . As I saw yesterday, a fine young man picked up the mic and might have lacked a certain elan, to break it down, or say request Mr Shady to stand up, but he did do a really good job of going out there and performing. He might have just started or might have been a hundred shows down, but more importantly, he picked up the mic and really put his heart and soul into it. He might've not known the words of the song, but he sure knew the song of his spirit and he sang it to his heart's content. 

That is what we all stand to gain if we try to tackle our opportunities and issues as "Performers". If we try to " keep the faith" . We stand to learn, and experience the thrill of performing, the thrill of using our skill, dexterity, and showing what you're made of to your greatest critic. Yourself.  

The 2% that I have mentioned is governed by your confidence and your will. Unless both of them are inline and aiming to really make it you will not be happy with whatever outcome you end up with. Confidence without will is arrogance and will without confidence is acting on fear. You need to control those two stallions. As long as they act opposing to each other you will always be where you are. Instead if you were to harness them and use them to complement each other and drive yourself ahead you have before yourself a chariot for your success.  In probably the wisest and simplest words on this matter, 

"If you say you can, or if you say you can't, you're right either way".

That is the crux of this argument. It is about how determined you are to just put yourself out there and give it a shot. In the long run of space and time, we're barely here for the time span of an Alien commercial advertisement. Why waste that little time and not do what we actually like and want to do?

CAT:Your Life Depends On It

The Common Admission Test. For those unfamiliar with this fascinating invention, this test is a three hour duration paper testing candidates across three sections, namely, their Verbal Ability, Data Interpretation/Logical Reasoning, and Quantitative Aptitude. For those familiar with it, yes it might have changed since you gave it or read of it last.

Changes in CAT:http://www.mbauniverse.com/article/id/9554/CAT-2016

This post however is not a review of it nor is it a commentary on it. This article is inspired by it. The CAT has always been, not about scoring aces but just trying to find a balance between accuracy and the numbers and pardon the generic response that will follow, but it seems so much like life. (Yeah big surprise that right?)

Lesson 1: 

You Know it all. (Pun intended)

Well, almost everyone.

This examination asks you to utilise skills you learnt far back in school. Till 10th. The lessons that you learnt as a kid. It asks you to use those basic principles to solve problems of a not so  basic nature. For example as you go out in the world, you realise not all people think the same and what you heard in stories like,  "everyone is special" and "everyone deserves to be heard", might actually be a little poisonous but is a absolutely essential because our entire is society is based on mutual principles and the act of simply denying them to others can have repercussions for the entire species.

So what this paper asks you is to use that knowledge but not in a manner as black and white as one would want because honestly nothing in the world can be seen through that lens. Our actions are black and white, however our motives are extremely variations of grey and it is impossible to separate the two. Hence you need to employ your maturity and what you've learnt in the years since your lesson forming years to actually take decisions about things that matter now.

Lesson 2:

The Divides of Life.

Your life is made up of a lot of things. Work, play, school, college, family, friends, hobbies etc. Over dependence on one is an exceedingly short term view of things and honestly will never be enough to bring you overall satisfaction. Excelling in one section but ignoring a lot in the others or even in one is enough to throw a monkey wrench in your entire plan for a smooth running machinery. Nothing in your life can be entirely compartmentalized away from the other. There is just a certain level of balance you need to maintain. If you ever want to receive a higher call (I am not referring to IIM A. They might need you to also be an ET Neurosurgeon).

Lesson 3:

Time.

 It is all about time. Every question in the CAT can be done by anyone if you give them all the time in the world, but that s one thing we do not have, Since the day we are born our clocks are set and boy are they running. Before you know it your years of philosophical clarity are replaced with protests over vegetables and in the twisted ways of the world a few years down the line you are the one buying those green leafy ironic plot twists. 

Personal Experience Talk: Don't giving soliloquies in the vegetables section 

As is what goes down here. you need to time yourself and play against the clock. You have an hour for each of the parts and you need to make the best of it in that regard. With the latest change you have to spend an equal time on all, but previously it was up to you to decide how much time to spend on each. It might also be interesting to note that while at the first go that might seem to be slightly different from the reality but if you think about it, it does happen right? You're at work and suddenly everything for the day is done and you are left with this excess which you could spend, say with family, or friends or collecting stamps or making the Death Star, but as reality bites you think that the traffic might probably reduce that advantage. Or that maybe your family/friends might still be out and busy or that Harrison Ford is in town so probably not the best day for intergalactic imperialism. (Note:Not a good day for Nazi Treasure collectors or Russian Separatist leaders looking to infiltrate Air Force One either) 

Of course it goes without saying the crunch you feel when there is a paucity of time. Which is always. Be it the five more minutes to defeat the final boss, or the five more minutes you want before you present to your first boss. There isn't nearly enough of it for all the things you want to do, so it becomes essential for you to pick up what matters to you and show that in your actions. The wayside is filled with incomplete manuscripts, Tyre swings, skills, books, even people. It is absolutely essential for  you to be able to identify what has to be with you in this entire journey because things in life are just always a few steps from just fading away. 

Lesson 4:

You Win Some, You Lose Some. 

This paper is known for lulling you in with a false sense of security till you actually see how many questions you got right or wrong, and you can bet on it you will get things wrong.  Mistakes my friend are such an integral part of life that if you think you can move on without them, you have probably made one with that assumption. However unlike your usual exams in formal education you won't be told what is a mistake at that point of time. Similarly, a mistake you make here won't actually register to you as a mistake because you wouldn't have made it in the first place and there is no retake unless you wait a year. By which time you probably have a whole different load to work with. In life you will do somethings right, you will do somethings wrong. But it is important to realise that the mistakes you make will have a negative impact and they will reduce your metaphorical score, but that doesn't mean it has to affect everything you do after that. Every different issue you tackle has boundaries beyond which the only thing connecting them is you. So there is no point saying that the reason you missed your aim in Sniper school and duck hunt was because of wind. Probably you just aren't a great shot. (On the bright side you'd probably never shoot yourself in the foot intentionally. Pun and paradox intended)

There is going to be a lot to make you happy in it and plenty to make you tired of it. The thing to remember is to bash on regardless.

Lesson 5:

Happy Birthday!

It is an annual affair. It makes you think what you've actually done in the past year. Most prefer to go at it alone and yes your extended clan and brethren will be aching to know what and how you did it. Ugh. Is nihilism not mainstream yet?

Lesson 6:

There is a start, there is an end. It has all the twists and turns in between my friend.

The three hours will probably not be like an hour of video games or an hour at a buffet or an hour at work (in case your work is in the overlying area between video games and buffet). But it will still be something that gives you a challenge in a make you feel alive way. You will like it. More importantly you will make it through it. Of course what happens after is kind of better left to a matter of faith.

So there you have it. A learning lesson from an exam. Funny how these things usually happen when you're actually supposed to be doing something absolutely else.

Drift

Somewhere in the race around,
We jumped up high
But couldn't touch the ground.
We floated of far into space,
we floated away into this maze.

There isn't any anchor to hold us down,
we celebrated as we went away.
Joyous as we flew away.
Half past 10 as things settled in
and as there ceased to be
The effect of a routine,
we felt the change and a repeated burst,
of happiness and mirth, for we had set sail
for far away.
Joyous as we flew away.

Then as the last things to see,
ceased to be recollections,
but only remained memories,
There was a twinge and break
something snapped fast and quick.
You couldn't see what was left behind
nor where you were headed blind.
Then it struck once more as you went ahead,
you were far gone beyond your bed.
Away away you spin and swim,
one way channel, no fantasy or whim.
Away away you swam and spun,
away from kith, away from kin.

So we float on with this current,
shaped and moulded by forces far from elastic.
We spread on a thousand treads,
linked to the past with breaking threads.
We float on up and away,
we float on, to look back some other day.

One At A Time

"How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time"
-Quoted by some guy clearly not aware about the concept of binge eating


The above line is something I picked up while reading Mark Owen's  "No Easy Day". The story about the SEAL team that went on the mission to Abbottabad (and makes me think twice before ordering pizza at night).
The line however which the protagonist says pushed him was something that stuck with me. No not because it is an elephant. Well kinda. It is because those small words carry some big meaning. Of course those words at first go did not make much impact. Like most things we read, or hear or experience, their relevance got highlighted only when I found myself in a position to appreciate their depth. For a better part of my life, my athletic achievements have been limited to retrieving the TV remote from one room within an hour or reaching across the bed for it, and while my physical prowess is spoken with awe among sloths, among the social animals such as ourselves it is more at a value mathematicians would like to denote to be just a scrap above zero.

Will shortly be arriving.

However, in my final year there was just a push that sort of motivated me to probably cross the threshold of exertion to the limit that you can at least beat a spider trying to make a web around you. So I set out to battle my first foe, running. It has been chronicled by great many a minstrels that there was a mother who wanted her son to run, but the son preferred to watch Pokemon and that's why his tryouts for the Olympics were undone. 

Ain't no one taking me away from Kanto.

                 

Basically my years of being a politician about running around came back to bite me (yeah they ran their bit) and I finally had to push myself to at least not collapse into a human puddle. Or like collapse either. I'll spare you the details of that, but it was during one run on a particularly trying day that those words about consuming an Elephant struck me. Every step I was taking, every millimeter I moved ahead, every panting breath, gasping for oxygen (or like the light at the end of the tunnel) was one step more than what I had previously done. Every movement ahead while barely a dent was in fact a movement ahead,  and that pushed me. Every run henceforth, every length of the pool, every  skip, every extra sweet dish at Barbecue Nation, encouraged me. Just one more, just one ahead. just take the large challenge  and break it down into small pieces, till the waiters at an all you can eat buffet look at you like the physical incarnation of world hunger.         

What happened ultimately was that the run wasn't about how far I ran the race, it was about HOW I ran the race. Whether I ran it like a chore, or if I ran it as a battle. If I ran it as a compulsion or I ran it as a challenge. If I ran it, convinced that I'd have a better chance of completing the circuit if I flew or if I decided to cut the self expensed  humour and actually do something I had aimed for and that made all the difference. 

That year, those month of running imparted me the wisdom which I think actually pushed me into adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I am still in denial about maturity, but I actually feel that achieving anything isn't about conquering the thing you target. It is about conquering that part in yourself that thinks it can't. It is about shutting down your opposition. It is about taking that huge trek and breaking it down smaller and smaller till every step and breath is charging you towards your goal. 

I took that lesson with me, for this last year that I spent betwixt and between. Correction, that I continue to spend betwixt and between a lot. Aims, aspirations, cuisines etc etc. Every mammoth task that befell me at work, or every change that had to be induced was done one twirl and spin at a time.All I had to do was ensure that I did my small bit towards myself and just maintained that flow. 

While that book might've not been the pinnacle of literary achievements, or my running around been the peak of human fitness, that phase, that mindset gave me a bigger and better gift just short of the best one (life) I ever got. It taught me the best way to deal with it. To deal with life.Simply, one bite at a time. 

Parrying the Perturbing

Yes, I love alliterating. Sue me. Anyway. This post should've been in continuation of the promised trilogy, but as everyone does not crucify Marvel for muddling their trilogies, I'll hope for the same. Yes, marvel at my presumption.
To those who might benefit most from reading this, for their sake (and mine because quite frankly having small talk on paper just seems like talking to myself and I'd rather do that without written proof of it) I'll cut to the chase (this phrase always bothered me, isn't the chase but a delay to the climax?).

"Anxiety?"
"No thank you good Sir. I think I'll skip that"
"I don't think you will......*muahahahah*"
- Your brain and thought when you think about taking chances.

To describe what it feels like to me. It feels like being in a situation where I have the power to decide, but am unable to because of myself. That is how anxiety strikes me. To some it strikes like an anchor completely weighing them down. To some it hits like the strike by a debilitating weapon. To some it is merely like a pin prick. (Yeah right.)


                                          

    Perturbation Theory in Maths. That's right, no one is safe.
                                        

The thing is, anxiety completely spread over you like the way water finds it way. It just flows and knows exactly the right places to go straight through your lows and start collecting in a puddle, increasing and becoming a reservoir for spreading even more. It is all covering. It is the night. It spread so completely around and destroys all physical representations. It blocks your mind. What's worse is it separates you from your one ally to best tackle it. Reality.

I know. Those of you in the 1920's reading this because of your time travelling descendant must be saying "Oh MY! What a sensational statement this screen seems to have. My word nothing jolly good about this. No sire no."

But wait, there's more. The reason for this gasp inducing statement is that quite frankly it is the truth! Your mind is a wonderful, imaginative, magical place that can imagine castles, dragons, wizards, heroes and seas. It can also however imagine villains, storms, darkness, and monsters. That's how beautifully honest a tool it is. Somewhere down the line however it needs to be controlled. Reality, the things happening around you, daily life, it doesn't have monsters or dragons. It  isn't a fairy tale. So why use a drastic scale of imagining the worse possibilities as the only possible outcomes?Maybe you're getting it a little bit.

Step 1. If you are in a situation of utter despair. Where you feel stuck and struck dumb. When your faculties seem to be as responsive as your faculty when they try to test you. There is one foremost action you must do. Imagine anything that gives you hope. Don't just picture it, picture it in all its glory. Highlighted, in all importance, the thing that stands out and demands to be seen purely by existence. Do this, because the only opponent to an unnaturally enlarged foe, is an even stronger weapon.
This might not win the battle, but it will give you the courage to tame this beast raging around in your mind.

Step 2. The tougher one. Open your eyes. Not just physically, but use that light that your courage gives you, to pierce that mist of fear, and anxiety. Open your eyes, to see what the real picture is . What the real story is. What is actually happening in front of you. Realistically try to see whether those shackles holding you are really there, or they are really nothing but  illusory wisps.

Those daily battles, which drain you, those struggles and contests which seem to have no rules and never give you a fighting chance are not real. All those battles, are not supposed to weaken you. They are meant to test and push you. They are meant to make a better you. They aren't meant to be roadblocks. They are checkpoints, to show you that every march forward in the world will bring you a new challenge, only increasing your capacity for bearing them, beating them and bringing yourself something better ahead. That is what you need to treat anxiety as. Not as the demon to slay, but the dummy to train with. It is an artificial intelligence based creature ready to try you at every turn, but secretly, it roots for you. It wants you to grow and go ahead.

 Tackle it hence not like an over-sized boggart/shape-shifter, but see it for what it really is. A test for a newer you. A test for a further progressing you. See it as the worst of the world, to make the best of you.